The Raven vs Ace Attorney
by Helen von Drama
Summary: A gyakufied pastiche of Edgar Allan Poe's poem, 'The Raven'. Originally posted on LiveJournal on 29/01/12.


Once upon a trial dreary, while I pondered Wright's new theory,  
And the Judge's open mouth gave out a very gentle snore –  
While Wright wore a satisfied grin, thinking that he was sure to win,  
There came a most dreadful din from just outside the courtroom door.  
"Who's this idiot," I muttered, "making noise outside the door? –  
I can't think straight anymore."

I can quite confidently say it was a warm, moist August day;  
And, as usual, Wright and I were engaged in courtroom war.  
Though my patience he was trying, causing me no end of sighing,  
For truth and justice I was vying – the things worth fighting for –  
And the rash, reckless lawyer with whom I share a strange rapport  
Was now grasping at a straw.

Yes, his rather sad, pathetic bluffing and his weak objections  
Bored me – poured me with tepid tedium never felt before;  
So that now, to stop me blowing off my lid, I stood repeating  
"It's some simpleton who's trying to annoy me even more –  
Just a simpleton who's trying to annoy me even more; –  
This it is, and nothing more."

But it really was most grating, not to mention irritating,  
And I found myself berating the someone behind the door.  
"Please leave us all in peace, or I shall be forced to call the police,  
And they will make you cease your noise so you'll bother us no more."  
When the sound continued, I said, "Bailiff, open up the door"; –  
Empty air and nothing more.

Now I was a tad confused, long I stood there bewildered, bemused,  
But I was not amused at the disrespect shown for the law;  
But there came no voiced reply, no shrill cry rang out across the floor,  
And the only noise was self-supplied as I looked down and swore –  
This I whispered, and an echo murmured back curse words galore; –  
Merely this and nothing more.

Then I shrugged and turned about, trying to forget the awful lout,  
When soon again I heard a shout even louder than before.  
"Surely," said I, "surely it cannot simply be the wind howling;  
Let me see, then, who is making this loud noise that I deplore –  
Let me see who is the owner of this voice that I abhor; –  
It's a fool and nothing more!"

On opening the door a crack and making sure to stay well back,  
I was startled by a Raven flying through the aperture;  
Not the least objection made he; for a second stopped and swayed he;  
And, with mien of that Byrde lady, perched above the Judge's maw –  
Perched upon his bare, hairless head just above his gaping jaw –  
Perched, and sat, and nothing more.

As I looked up at its face, my bright mind soon beginning to race,  
I recalled the case that Wright had made against my old mentor.  
"Though you seem to be quite witless, you might be a useful witness,  
For a parrot known as Polly had to take the stand before –  
State your name and occupation by decree of courtroom law!"  
Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore."

I was stunned, I must confide, that the untamed beast even replied,  
For there was much that it defied – namely, scientific law;  
S-surely it should not have talked; it should have only squeaked and squawked,  
Yet this Raven had just walked in and made everyone unsure –  
And so we began to question all that we had thought before; –  
But our answer? "Nevermore."

As the Raven, nesting snugly on the Judge's head, sat smugly,  
I was maddened by the haughty, ugly grimace that it wore.  
On his one word, he did not expand – this was not going as planned –  
So I was then forced to demand, "Do you know anything more? –  
If you truly did bear witness, pray then tell us what you saw."  
Then the bird said, "Nevermore."

Enraged by the flagrant cheek that was streaming from the vagrant's beak,  
"Witness," said I, "the word that you have repeated heretofore  
Makes little sense said on its own, and until now all you have shown  
Is that I really should have known there is nothing we can draw  
From you, who seem determined to turn this trial into a chore."  
He repeated, "Nevermore."

As would be quite unsurprising, I could feel frustration rising,  
And I realised that biting on my lip had made it sore;  
Then upon my desk I leaned, and stood glaring at the feathered fiend  
As it sat and preened its feathers, which sprang forth from every pore –  
And there was nothing to be gleaned as I watched it bite and gnaw; –  
Nothing, except "Nevermore."

So my fury kept on growing; I could barely keep from showing  
The fire that was glowing from deep inside my very core;  
It was then I took the time to muse, that if Wright or I could choose,  
The witness that we should use would be that parrot from before,  
But, alas, that brightly-coloured, screechy-voiced, loose-tongued macaw,  
_He_ shall press, ah, nevermore!

Then I noticed Wright looking incensed, sharing my own sentiments,  
For his defence would be condemned if his case began to yaw.  
Wright then cried, "Witness! I'd rather that you stop this pointless blather;  
There are facts I cannot gather as your testimony's poor!  
Stop! Please stop this vague recital; you must testify once more!"  
Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore."

"Witness!" said I, "testify! – you are under oath and cannot lie! –  
Were you present at the crime scene? If so, tell us what you saw,  
Whether it was all obscured, or perchance the tiniest bit blurred –  
Tell us what you believe occurred – tell us truly, I implore –  
Is the –_ is _the defendant guilty? – tell us – tell us, I implore!"  
Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore."

"Witness!" said Wright, "testify! – I've tried hard to be a patient guy!  
But justice hangs in the balance – the very essence of the law –  
Tell the court if it is true, please provide us with a vital clue,  
That the one we should pursue is not my client named Lenore –  
For the facts we can accrue if there is not a single flaw."  
Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore."

"What is all this, some kind of joke?!" spluttered the Judge as he awoke –  
"Get this bird off my head and the order of this court restore!  
I must say that I am shocked to see this court so ruthlessly mocked!  
Bailiff, seize that Raven! – you will be escorted out the door!  
Get yourself out of my court, and don't dare come here anymore!"  
Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore."

So the Raven, as is fitting, now is sitting, now is sitting  
On a newly varnished shelf placed just above my office door;  
And his eyes are now unseeing, for he's not a living being –  
Yes, I think you'll be agreeing he's much better than before.  
Last, a warning to Ravens, one you'd be best not to ignore;  
You shall taunt me – nevermore!

– Miles Edgeworth


End file.
